A few years ago, I'd never really owned a business, and it had been years since I'd built a website or taken the time to really design a graphic. I hadn't been in a gym since high school, and I didn't know the first thing about fitness with the exception of knowing pretty well how to cook healthy. I was sedentary, bored out of my mind, and weighed 250 pounds--mostly fat. I drank too much, I ate like shit, and, having already suffered a heart attack, I was afraid of too much physical activity because I didn't want to put myself back in the hospital. So, I spent a good deal of time on my ass, doing nothing, hating myself for it, and letting myself get worse.
About two years ago, I realized that I was the problem in my life. It wasn't my girlfriends or my friends, it wasn't my health, it wasn't my circumstances. I hated myself and it was my own fault. I was fat, I was lazy, I was overbearing, and I had next to no patience for anything or anyone--and it was all my fault.
I had been the problem in my previous relationship. I was the reason I couldn't keep my calm when my 2-year-old did what 2-year-olds do. I was the reason I didn't trust people, I was the reason I drank too much, I was the reason I was too lazy to get off the fucking couch, and I was the reason I had become a disgusting blob and a piss-poor excuse for a soul inhabiting a meat sack. The realization was jarring--it made me a hypocrite and a much worse human being than I'd ever pretended to be (and I've played the part of some very terrible people). It also presented a very simple solution: If I was the reason I was a terrible person, I was also able to become my own solution.
My journey began as nothing more than a drawing, which became the original logo for The Apocalypse Order. It was a symbol of my promise to my friends, my family, and my daughter to become a better man. Initially, I only intended to get in shape and get better at life as it existed at the time. My plan was to work harder, but only at my job; to work out and get healthier, and to practice patience when dealing with others. I started reading less fiction and more educational material, traded in my 24-hour metal playlist for podcasts intended to improve individuals, and less time with my tech and more time living. Then, it occurred to me that if I was having these problems, and these things could help me, perhaps I could create something that offered the same advantages, but appealed more to people like me. Enter The Apocalypse Order.
Get Up. Go. Fall Down. Get Up Again.
It didn't come easy. I tripped more than a few times and I fell flat on my face more times than I care to count. Sometimes, it took me a while, but I always got back up and I always kept moving. Today, almost a year after founding The Order, I'm down more than 20 pounds, I've quit smoking, I'm no longer a drunk, and my relationships with my family-including my ex-fiancée-are better than ever. I almost never eat fast food anymore, and I work out at least 4 times a week--all while maintaining a full-time job and maintaining The Apocalypse Order and its sister brand, Death Aesthetik. When I started this journey, I didn't even think I'd succeed at the minimal goals I'd set for myself, but here I am, succeeding at more.
You don't have to do everything I do. Not everyone could do everything I can do, and there are certainly people who do more. But if you want more out of life you do have to get up off of your ass and go for it. Pick a goal. Get up. Crush it. And if you fall, get back up and go again.
At its core, the philosophy of The Apocalypse Order is simple. Be relentless. Be absolutely relentless in all of your pursuits. Try and try again until you make of yourself an unstoppable force and crush every goal you set before yourself--or trying kills you.
It's not an overnight trip. It's hard to get out of bed. It's hard to give your all at your job. It's hard to find the motivation to work out every day. It's hard to go home after work and the gym and take the time to cook your own healthy dinner. It's so much easier to half-ass it through work, to stop at McDonald's on the way home, and to crank up the PlayStation until you pass out from eye fatigue. You're going to fall back into old habits, but you can make the choice to climb back out of them, as well. You can become relentless, or you can consciously choose to give up and fall.
"My brothers of the sword! I would rather fight beside you than any army of thousands! Let no man forget how menacing we are, we are lions! Do you know what's waiting beyond that beach? Immortality! Take it! It's yours!"